Holidays with the Family

When your wife is chronically ill it can be hard for her to think “romance.” She may be in a great deal of physical pain or also suffer from side effects of the illness or medications, such as weight gain or loss, a “puffy prednisone,” or even feeling sick to her stomach. She may also be dealing with the loss of her career and dealing with grief.

It’s important to know that you are not alone. Nearly 1 in 2 people live with a chronic illness in the U.S. which means that a lot of marriages are disrupted by this uninvited third party of illness, often including mental illness as well. Sadly, seventy-five percent of them end in divorce.

So, how can you encourage her and maybe even get some of that romance back into your marriage? Here are some ideas to add some romance into your marriage.

Go ahead and buy her that box of chocolate, but if she is watching her weight, don’t ruin her diet. Instead find some Russell Stover’s sugar free chocolate at your local Target or even the pharmacy. Chocolate, along with coconut, pecans, and many more, all contain phenyl ethylamine, a chemical that produces the feeling of “being in love.” Good place to start, don’t you think?

Be affectionate by simply reaching for her hand. Yes, I know you’re hoping for more than holding hands, but if she’s in physical pain it’s going to take some real romance on your part to distract her from pain and get her refocused on you. Rub her back (gently!), cuddle, snuggle and don’t pressure her for more. Pretty soon she’ll be reaching out to you.

Pour out your heart about how much you admire the strength she shows in the darkest moments. Let her know you know that living with illness is difficult and that you are blessed to be married to someone with so much character and joy. Remind her that you love her and are in it “in sickness and in health.”

Give her an indulgence of something she wouldn’t buy herself, especially something to lighten up her mood on days when she isn’t feeling well. Get her the DVD her favorite movie from high school, or a cozy new down comforter for her bed.

Schedule a retreat for her at home. Find care for the kids, bring home dinner, and don’t say anything when you come home at 6 p.m. and she’s still in her pajamas.

Hide romantic notes in places she will find them. Stick a note in the fridge that says, “I know it’s hard for you to go grocery shopping. Please know how much it means to me that you keep this box stocked just for me!”

Being romantic at home isn’t hard. Purchase a fondue pot and tell her that you will bring home something to dip every Wednesday night so you two can sit and have a conversation over candlelight (and cheese, chocolate, marshmallow, etc.)

Need conversation starters? Buy a game such as “To Know You … Better” or buy a book. Just do a search on “book of questions” for dozens of options. There are still a million things you don’t know about each other, and yes, talking does create intimacy.

Don’t forget to make a few changes in the bedroom to spark some romance. As silly as it sounds, candles, roses, and a great play list on your ipod tells her that you cared enough to set the mood for her.

Every woman is different and has different needs, so be sure to communicate to her your desire to increase the romance and ask for her input. Ask, “What are you most worried about? What can I do to make life easier for you? What can I do that would let you know how much I love you?”

The good news is that perfection is not a requirement. Just by making the effort to increase the romance in the relationship will score you some big points. And she may not let you even have a chance to finish reading that book on romancing your wife, because if she sees you reading it, your willingness to read it may be all the romance she needs. One last piece of advice, doing the dishes or the laundry really can be the best way to your wife’s heart.

Tags: celebration