Holidays with the Family

“Hot and bothered” has long referred to romance and those sparks of chemistry between you and the one you love, but if you have a chronic illness, romance may be the last thing on your mind. Chronic illness can quickly redefine “hot” to mean the symptoms of a thyroid condition, night sweats, or a hot heating pad. “Bothered” is something you feel every night when you are annoyed you can’t sleep. For examle, achy joints, a dog who snores from his resting place on your pillow, and a spouse that can sleep through anything. Romantic evenings may be the last thing on your mind in your home!

You may be surprised to know that nearly 1 in 2 people live with a chronic illness in the U.S.A. That means a whole lot of marriages have a third bed partner called “illness”–including mental illness too. Sadly, seventy-five percent of marriages that include illness end in divorce. Valentine’s Day romance is a year-round requirement to keep the communication and joy going in your relationship.

So, how can you add back some of that spark? I’ve got some romantic ideas that will tell your hubby “I love you” even when you are in chronic pain.

You have to give it your best effort and avoid excuses. “I’m so tired and had such a hard day. I feel terrible.” I’ve said them all so I understand. Unfortunately the circumstances won’t likely change, so you have to change your attitude in order to have the benefit of getting to the joy of romance. Let yourself relax and push past the pain and see if you can forget a good chunk of it. Distraction can be a wonderful thing.

Make romance a priority. That means not spending the whole Saturday cleaning your house and then being exhausted. Rest up, even if it’s just so you can have a conversation without falling asleep.

Show some enthusiasm for getting to spend a romantic evening with your loved one. Even if it’s just a nice dinner out, don’t say, “I’m feeling terrible, but I really wanted to do this for you.” (Hint: that won’t turn him or her on!) Flirt a little bit. Talk about some fun times you’ve had or dreams you’d still like to pursue. Give yourself the gift of not talking about your illness the entire night.

You don’t have to write romantic love poems. Just put together a mini-album of your favorite photos and include notes about your memories and how much he means to you.

Think of all of the thing you notice your spouse does that is never done with complaint and write them down with a bit thank you at the bottom. Does he take out the garbage, get you medicine in the middle of the night, bathe your child without complaint, or even clean out the litter box? Write these out or type tehm in fun fonts as something for him to treasure.

Women, get over feeling self-conscious and buy some underwear that doesn’t look like your grandmother’s.

Text message him something daring or outrageously romantic that you would have said when you first fell in love. Back before text-messaging existed.

Give him a home-made coupon for something he would like but doesn’t splurge on very often such as, “Good for 5 guilt-free hours with your friends watching football.” Avoid making him feel guilty whenever he wants to do something you can participate in (like going hiking or riding a roller coaster.)

Perfect marriages will never exist, but a even a marriage that has an illness can be a huge blessing and not just a state of survival. Romance comes in many ways. I remember loving my husband more than ever the night I couldn’t not move because of a rheumatoid arthritis flare. I “slept” sitting on the couch and he spent the night on the floor beside the couch to comfort me every time I screamed from the pain.

Love is complicated and can come in many forms. One of the books I’ve bought all the couples in my life is “Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs” by Emerson Eggerichs. It talks a lot about “love languages.” For example, men feel loved when they feel respected, while women want to feel loved with emotions and communication. A lot of times we are giving our spouse what we desire rather than the “love language” they most need. Being aware of all of the small ways we can show each other love and respect will add up to romance the whole year through.

Tags: commemoration